It's because there are way too many bipolar, off their rocker, crazy ass people in this world.
I obviously came from a different planet than some of these people...
Friday, March 5, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Trapped in abnormality
I've been to the Dr. more times in the past 6 months than I have in years. Last week I went for a check up with the gyn. He thinks I have a spastic colon, I disagree, and the Librax didn't do a damn thing for me.
Saw my regular physician yesterday and had an injection in my right shoulder---he thinks this pain is not a torn rotator cuff but plain ole bursitis. Well, it feels somewhat better. He also upped my pain meds to Vicodin, thank God, my back has been killing me.
Having degenerative disc disease is not a walk in the park.
And then his nurse questioned me about bariatric surgery and I told her how I've wanted to have Lap Band done for the past 3 years but my previous PCP wouldn't get his shit in order and get me on the right route to have it done, I have been to a seminar last May but got lost in the confusion of it all and what I was suppose to do to get approved for the surgery.
Well---she tells me---don't you worry about a thing, I will get all the paperwork done for you, we will do your 6 month plan, you do a 1600 calorie diet, 30 min. of exercise every day, and follow up with me once a month. After 6 months we will get you approved and you will have your Lap Band surgery done.
So this is day 2, I have not done any exercise yet...I have to get my mind set to do this thing. I want to do this, I NEED to do this. Oh, just think, in less than 2 years I could be normal...that seems so far away...and so unreachable.
But I am determined.
Then I had an MRI on my brain due to having headaches since my hysterectomy in October. I have a disc with the photos of my brain on them, given to me by the nurse who performed the MRI. Interesting---seeing your own brain.
Having the MRI was unpleasant. I am a big girl, my arms were tucked over my belly button, and I was pushed inside the hole, arms pressed against the ceiling of the hole, my head tied down inside what looked like an umpire's mask, the anxiety tried to set in, the claustorphobia knocked on the inside of my brain. But I closed my eyes, I breathed deep breaths, 10 minutes I thought, it's just 10 minutes and it's over.
What if they can't get me back out of this machine? It's so tight, My arms are hurting from being so tight against the ceiling, I'm 2-3 inches from the ceiling and can't move my face. What if I am stuck in here....this feels like a coffin...and one day my body will be entombed inside something this horrible. Anxiety. Panic. Breathe. Just 6 minutes left. I can do this.
I close my eyes, think about the beach, think about my children, think about work, oh what I'd give to be answering those phone lines instead of being in this tomb right now.
I open my eyes, the tomb is all I see. The white hole that I am stuck inside. I breathe hard. Relax. Just relax I think inside my brain.
How are you doing the nurse asks. I tell her my arms hurt, are tingling and she says just 2 1/2 more minutes, do you think you can handle that?
Yes, I say, I think I can as I grip the 'get me out of here' button she'd given me at the beginning of the test. If I can't handle it and I need to get out I can squeeze it.
I think about squeezing it a couple of times during the test, and then I think about how much I have been through in my life an how this is piece of cake, and how dare I even think about pussying out of a 10 minute MRI, even if I am still not sure Iwill be able to come back out of the tube, even if I might be stuck in here.
Of course I wasn't stuck, I was pushed right out with ease. That really wasn't so bad, but I don't ever hope to repeat it again.
And if I do, hopefully it would be long after I have the lap band procedure and become normal size and wouldn't have to worry so much about being trapped in an MRI machine.
The pain meds are working well, the xanax is keeping me calm, life is going pretty good. I have a lot of dr appointments for follow ups on exams, tests, etc.
After the hysterectomy last year, putting off the pain, putting off the obvious cysts inside me for months upon months, my new motto has become that I refuse to put me off for any reason. Not for work, not for anyone else's insecurities, sorry Melissa, if I lose 300+ pounds and you are so scared of losing me because of that, then, well, you never had me at all...
I love her, Melissa, and I so wish she'd get a grip on her issues. She is driving me bat shit crazy.
I can't help her, I can't force her to change or to do what I think is right. But I refuse to let her hold me back from anything life has to offer me.
I will keep moving forward and upward., and hopefully toward something more normal.
Saw my regular physician yesterday and had an injection in my right shoulder---he thinks this pain is not a torn rotator cuff but plain ole bursitis. Well, it feels somewhat better. He also upped my pain meds to Vicodin, thank God, my back has been killing me.
Having degenerative disc disease is not a walk in the park.
And then his nurse questioned me about bariatric surgery and I told her how I've wanted to have Lap Band done for the past 3 years but my previous PCP wouldn't get his shit in order and get me on the right route to have it done, I have been to a seminar last May but got lost in the confusion of it all and what I was suppose to do to get approved for the surgery.
Well---she tells me---don't you worry about a thing, I will get all the paperwork done for you, we will do your 6 month plan, you do a 1600 calorie diet, 30 min. of exercise every day, and follow up with me once a month. After 6 months we will get you approved and you will have your Lap Band surgery done.
So this is day 2, I have not done any exercise yet...I have to get my mind set to do this thing. I want to do this, I NEED to do this. Oh, just think, in less than 2 years I could be normal...that seems so far away...and so unreachable.
But I am determined.
Then I had an MRI on my brain due to having headaches since my hysterectomy in October. I have a disc with the photos of my brain on them, given to me by the nurse who performed the MRI. Interesting---seeing your own brain.
Having the MRI was unpleasant. I am a big girl, my arms were tucked over my belly button, and I was pushed inside the hole, arms pressed against the ceiling of the hole, my head tied down inside what looked like an umpire's mask, the anxiety tried to set in, the claustorphobia knocked on the inside of my brain. But I closed my eyes, I breathed deep breaths, 10 minutes I thought, it's just 10 minutes and it's over.
What if they can't get me back out of this machine? It's so tight, My arms are hurting from being so tight against the ceiling, I'm 2-3 inches from the ceiling and can't move my face. What if I am stuck in here....this feels like a coffin...and one day my body will be entombed inside something this horrible. Anxiety. Panic. Breathe. Just 6 minutes left. I can do this.
I close my eyes, think about the beach, think about my children, think about work, oh what I'd give to be answering those phone lines instead of being in this tomb right now.
I open my eyes, the tomb is all I see. The white hole that I am stuck inside. I breathe hard. Relax. Just relax I think inside my brain.
How are you doing the nurse asks. I tell her my arms hurt, are tingling and she says just 2 1/2 more minutes, do you think you can handle that?
Yes, I say, I think I can as I grip the 'get me out of here' button she'd given me at the beginning of the test. If I can't handle it and I need to get out I can squeeze it.
I think about squeezing it a couple of times during the test, and then I think about how much I have been through in my life an how this is piece of cake, and how dare I even think about pussying out of a 10 minute MRI, even if I am still not sure Iwill be able to come back out of the tube, even if I might be stuck in here.
Of course I wasn't stuck, I was pushed right out with ease. That really wasn't so bad, but I don't ever hope to repeat it again.
And if I do, hopefully it would be long after I have the lap band procedure and become normal size and wouldn't have to worry so much about being trapped in an MRI machine.
The pain meds are working well, the xanax is keeping me calm, life is going pretty good. I have a lot of dr appointments for follow ups on exams, tests, etc.
After the hysterectomy last year, putting off the pain, putting off the obvious cysts inside me for months upon months, my new motto has become that I refuse to put me off for any reason. Not for work, not for anyone else's insecurities, sorry Melissa, if I lose 300+ pounds and you are so scared of losing me because of that, then, well, you never had me at all...
I love her, Melissa, and I so wish she'd get a grip on her issues. She is driving me bat shit crazy.
I can't help her, I can't force her to change or to do what I think is right. But I refuse to let her hold me back from anything life has to offer me.
I will keep moving forward and upward., and hopefully toward something more normal.
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