Went to the dr. last week for my 1st monthly visit since I talked to him about having lap band done. I'm working on my 6 months of exercise, dieting, etc.
I had lost 4 lbs in 1 month and hadn't changed a thing except walking more and ----I hate a ton of candy all month. I figured I'd have gained weight, sure didn't expect a drop. Very happy about that. I know 4 lbs doesn't seem like a lot, but I'll take it!
I go back at the end of this month for a follow up.
I have started doing serious 'coupon' shopping and that has helped me be more active. My birthday is next month and I've been wanting wii just dance---Melissa got it for me yesterday. I've done it 2 days in a row and it is a LOT of fun---I really get sweaty in no time, but I worked it for at least 30-45 minutes today. I danced to about 6 or 7 songs, I lost count. Had to shower afterwards. It was fun, the kids got up and did it with me which is a plus for family time!
Then we watched AI, I am in love with Crystal & Casey. They are my picks for top 2! I want Crystal to be the next American Idol! She is amazing.
Well I guess that about covers life for now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Now I know why I always felt like I didn't fit in in this world!
It's because there are way too many bipolar, off their rocker, crazy ass people in this world.
I obviously came from a different planet than some of these people...
I obviously came from a different planet than some of these people...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Trapped in abnormality
I've been to the Dr. more times in the past 6 months than I have in years. Last week I went for a check up with the gyn. He thinks I have a spastic colon, I disagree, and the Librax didn't do a damn thing for me.
Saw my regular physician yesterday and had an injection in my right shoulder---he thinks this pain is not a torn rotator cuff but plain ole bursitis. Well, it feels somewhat better. He also upped my pain meds to Vicodin, thank God, my back has been killing me.
Having degenerative disc disease is not a walk in the park.
And then his nurse questioned me about bariatric surgery and I told her how I've wanted to have Lap Band done for the past 3 years but my previous PCP wouldn't get his shit in order and get me on the right route to have it done, I have been to a seminar last May but got lost in the confusion of it all and what I was suppose to do to get approved for the surgery.
Well---she tells me---don't you worry about a thing, I will get all the paperwork done for you, we will do your 6 month plan, you do a 1600 calorie diet, 30 min. of exercise every day, and follow up with me once a month. After 6 months we will get you approved and you will have your Lap Band surgery done.
So this is day 2, I have not done any exercise yet...I have to get my mind set to do this thing. I want to do this, I NEED to do this. Oh, just think, in less than 2 years I could be normal...that seems so far away...and so unreachable.
But I am determined.
Then I had an MRI on my brain due to having headaches since my hysterectomy in October. I have a disc with the photos of my brain on them, given to me by the nurse who performed the MRI. Interesting---seeing your own brain.
Having the MRI was unpleasant. I am a big girl, my arms were tucked over my belly button, and I was pushed inside the hole, arms pressed against the ceiling of the hole, my head tied down inside what looked like an umpire's mask, the anxiety tried to set in, the claustorphobia knocked on the inside of my brain. But I closed my eyes, I breathed deep breaths, 10 minutes I thought, it's just 10 minutes and it's over.
What if they can't get me back out of this machine? It's so tight, My arms are hurting from being so tight against the ceiling, I'm 2-3 inches from the ceiling and can't move my face. What if I am stuck in here....this feels like a coffin...and one day my body will be entombed inside something this horrible. Anxiety. Panic. Breathe. Just 6 minutes left. I can do this.
I close my eyes, think about the beach, think about my children, think about work, oh what I'd give to be answering those phone lines instead of being in this tomb right now.
I open my eyes, the tomb is all I see. The white hole that I am stuck inside. I breathe hard. Relax. Just relax I think inside my brain.
How are you doing the nurse asks. I tell her my arms hurt, are tingling and she says just 2 1/2 more minutes, do you think you can handle that?
Yes, I say, I think I can as I grip the 'get me out of here' button she'd given me at the beginning of the test. If I can't handle it and I need to get out I can squeeze it.
I think about squeezing it a couple of times during the test, and then I think about how much I have been through in my life an how this is piece of cake, and how dare I even think about pussying out of a 10 minute MRI, even if I am still not sure Iwill be able to come back out of the tube, even if I might be stuck in here.
Of course I wasn't stuck, I was pushed right out with ease. That really wasn't so bad, but I don't ever hope to repeat it again.
And if I do, hopefully it would be long after I have the lap band procedure and become normal size and wouldn't have to worry so much about being trapped in an MRI machine.
The pain meds are working well, the xanax is keeping me calm, life is going pretty good. I have a lot of dr appointments for follow ups on exams, tests, etc.
After the hysterectomy last year, putting off the pain, putting off the obvious cysts inside me for months upon months, my new motto has become that I refuse to put me off for any reason. Not for work, not for anyone else's insecurities, sorry Melissa, if I lose 300+ pounds and you are so scared of losing me because of that, then, well, you never had me at all...
I love her, Melissa, and I so wish she'd get a grip on her issues. She is driving me bat shit crazy.
I can't help her, I can't force her to change or to do what I think is right. But I refuse to let her hold me back from anything life has to offer me.
I will keep moving forward and upward., and hopefully toward something more normal.
Saw my regular physician yesterday and had an injection in my right shoulder---he thinks this pain is not a torn rotator cuff but plain ole bursitis. Well, it feels somewhat better. He also upped my pain meds to Vicodin, thank God, my back has been killing me.
Having degenerative disc disease is not a walk in the park.
And then his nurse questioned me about bariatric surgery and I told her how I've wanted to have Lap Band done for the past 3 years but my previous PCP wouldn't get his shit in order and get me on the right route to have it done, I have been to a seminar last May but got lost in the confusion of it all and what I was suppose to do to get approved for the surgery.
Well---she tells me---don't you worry about a thing, I will get all the paperwork done for you, we will do your 6 month plan, you do a 1600 calorie diet, 30 min. of exercise every day, and follow up with me once a month. After 6 months we will get you approved and you will have your Lap Band surgery done.
So this is day 2, I have not done any exercise yet...I have to get my mind set to do this thing. I want to do this, I NEED to do this. Oh, just think, in less than 2 years I could be normal...that seems so far away...and so unreachable.
But I am determined.
Then I had an MRI on my brain due to having headaches since my hysterectomy in October. I have a disc with the photos of my brain on them, given to me by the nurse who performed the MRI. Interesting---seeing your own brain.
Having the MRI was unpleasant. I am a big girl, my arms were tucked over my belly button, and I was pushed inside the hole, arms pressed against the ceiling of the hole, my head tied down inside what looked like an umpire's mask, the anxiety tried to set in, the claustorphobia knocked on the inside of my brain. But I closed my eyes, I breathed deep breaths, 10 minutes I thought, it's just 10 minutes and it's over.
What if they can't get me back out of this machine? It's so tight, My arms are hurting from being so tight against the ceiling, I'm 2-3 inches from the ceiling and can't move my face. What if I am stuck in here....this feels like a coffin...and one day my body will be entombed inside something this horrible. Anxiety. Panic. Breathe. Just 6 minutes left. I can do this.
I close my eyes, think about the beach, think about my children, think about work, oh what I'd give to be answering those phone lines instead of being in this tomb right now.
I open my eyes, the tomb is all I see. The white hole that I am stuck inside. I breathe hard. Relax. Just relax I think inside my brain.
How are you doing the nurse asks. I tell her my arms hurt, are tingling and she says just 2 1/2 more minutes, do you think you can handle that?
Yes, I say, I think I can as I grip the 'get me out of here' button she'd given me at the beginning of the test. If I can't handle it and I need to get out I can squeeze it.
I think about squeezing it a couple of times during the test, and then I think about how much I have been through in my life an how this is piece of cake, and how dare I even think about pussying out of a 10 minute MRI, even if I am still not sure Iwill be able to come back out of the tube, even if I might be stuck in here.
Of course I wasn't stuck, I was pushed right out with ease. That really wasn't so bad, but I don't ever hope to repeat it again.
And if I do, hopefully it would be long after I have the lap band procedure and become normal size and wouldn't have to worry so much about being trapped in an MRI machine.
The pain meds are working well, the xanax is keeping me calm, life is going pretty good. I have a lot of dr appointments for follow ups on exams, tests, etc.
After the hysterectomy last year, putting off the pain, putting off the obvious cysts inside me for months upon months, my new motto has become that I refuse to put me off for any reason. Not for work, not for anyone else's insecurities, sorry Melissa, if I lose 300+ pounds and you are so scared of losing me because of that, then, well, you never had me at all...
I love her, Melissa, and I so wish she'd get a grip on her issues. She is driving me bat shit crazy.
I can't help her, I can't force her to change or to do what I think is right. But I refuse to let her hold me back from anything life has to offer me.
I will keep moving forward and upward., and hopefully toward something more normal.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
February Fast Forward
I haven't written because I just have not had the time honestly. Between running errands, paying bills, shopping, working and taking care of my children I have been on the go pretty much non stop these past few weeks.
I got my tax refund a few weeks ago and paid off several bills, caught up my mortgage and car loan and got cable, DSL, a netbook and an all in one dell desktop computer, and a corner desk for my bedroom for myself. I also paid up a whole year full coverage insurance on my car and 6 months on the car I bought for Carrie.
I took Jacob and Kelsie on a shopping spree in the toy aisle at walmart and also bought them a few clothes as well. Sarah had a big 17th birthday and enjoyed several gifts, she got new bedding and pillow, the new moon soundtrack, earrings, jewelry, a new purse, and other stuff I can't even remember right now.
After paying the rest of the household bills, having the water and electricity put in my name, taking the kids to chuck e cheese, eating out way too many times, I am now once again back to my regularly scheduled paycheck to paycheck living, but you know what? I paid my March morgtgage payment 2 weeks early, as well as another electric & cell phone bill that would have been due in March. I am ahead of the game for once in my life.
I also was able to have this stupid ass repo'd car removed from mine and Melissa's credit after 2 1/2 years of fighting with the company who it was purchased from. We had it like a month and the company told us the loan wasn't going through, so we voluntarily gave it back---and they tried to sue us for over $11k. They never showed up to court, the judge dismissed the case and I fought it on the credit report---it was removed.
As of now I have about $1k in bad debt on my credit report that I am planning to clear off over the course of 2010. That is my goal for this year, to continue to pay my bills ahead of time, pay off old debts, clear my name of anything that would stress me out financially.
What a burden to be lifted.
After the year I had last year with the surgeries and 10 weeks of missed work, not knowing if they would take our house, the threats to repo my car, the bill collectors calling on a daily basis to harass and irritate me even though they knew I had 2 major surgeries---I am well aware of how bad it can get and how fast it can get bad.
We aren't rich, but we are truly blessed. I use to believe that if I prayed to God he would make money appear from somewhere out of the blue to pay my bills. I TRULY believed this would happen. I was so brainwashed by the church I went to at the time, I felt that God would deliver. Ugh~~~
I am now proud to say that I believe God gives us all a life to live as we so choose, we make our own happiness, or we make our own hell. Every choice you make leads to a consequence. At age 35, if I've learned nothing else, it is this.
I know I am far from perfect, I make mistakes every day, and I have done things I shouldn't have done, and I just hope for the best in all of it.
Everything I do---I do it for the good of my family. My family is my #1 priority in life.
My daughter is due to have her first child September 9, 2010. She will be 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow, we found out she was pregnant about a month ago and it seems that month has just flown by, her tummy is pooching on out there---and I'm missing every moment of it.
Life just goes by way too fast. I am ready to slow down a little, but not sure that is going to happen.
I'm trying to get a part time job as a census worker. I took the test last night and plan to go back next week to retake it and try to get a higher score than the 90 I made last night. Studying is on my agenda for the weekend.
I went to the dr Monday for a follow up from my hysterectomy and he thinks I am having colon spasms, so I went on a new drug for that. Then today I saw the neurologist about the migraines I've been having since the surgery, who put me on a barbituate for the headaches and ordered an MRI on my brain on Monday. I will follow up with both dr's in March. The children all have dental appointments in March, Sarah has her monthly orthodontist appointment for her braces, and Jacob will see his ADHD dr as well. And let's not forget the court date on March 8th for child support hearing because 'daddy' has paid a whopping $1283 in 2.5 years for FOUR children---and hasn't made a payment in 4 months. He's spent 2 months in jail last year for non-compliance on the court order. I don't know what will happen but I do know this:
1. He owns a house and land.
2. He hasn't lived in said house in 1.5 years.
3. He works for 'cash' only, doesn't have a 'real' job.
4. He lives with his mommy.
5. My children deserve to be supported by both parents.
6. $47 a week is NOT a lot to ask for four children!
7. I WANT MY MONEY.
8. He owes a back pay amount of $2500.
9. I WANT MY MONEY.
10. I HOPE HE ROTS IN JAIL.
Seriously, I could care less about the jail thing, just get a freaking job and stop being an asshole and support your children!
Not that I can't do it without that whopping $47 a week, it's just the principle ya know?
Last week the neighbor's grandson who is a minor shot my dog with his bee bee gun, had to call the cops AGAIN and take Toby to the vet, he is ok, but it cost me $88. When I find time I am filing a civil suit against these fuckers and suing them for the vet bill. My dog was not on their property and did not do any damage to anything. He is a whole 7 lbs of viciousness, and they are super 'scared' of him...what-the-fuck-ever.
I think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my life recently. I am pretty tired, think I'll hit the sack.
I got my tax refund a few weeks ago and paid off several bills, caught up my mortgage and car loan and got cable, DSL, a netbook and an all in one dell desktop computer, and a corner desk for my bedroom for myself. I also paid up a whole year full coverage insurance on my car and 6 months on the car I bought for Carrie.
I took Jacob and Kelsie on a shopping spree in the toy aisle at walmart and also bought them a few clothes as well. Sarah had a big 17th birthday and enjoyed several gifts, she got new bedding and pillow, the new moon soundtrack, earrings, jewelry, a new purse, and other stuff I can't even remember right now.
After paying the rest of the household bills, having the water and electricity put in my name, taking the kids to chuck e cheese, eating out way too many times, I am now once again back to my regularly scheduled paycheck to paycheck living, but you know what? I paid my March morgtgage payment 2 weeks early, as well as another electric & cell phone bill that would have been due in March. I am ahead of the game for once in my life.
I also was able to have this stupid ass repo'd car removed from mine and Melissa's credit after 2 1/2 years of fighting with the company who it was purchased from. We had it like a month and the company told us the loan wasn't going through, so we voluntarily gave it back---and they tried to sue us for over $11k. They never showed up to court, the judge dismissed the case and I fought it on the credit report---it was removed.
As of now I have about $1k in bad debt on my credit report that I am planning to clear off over the course of 2010. That is my goal for this year, to continue to pay my bills ahead of time, pay off old debts, clear my name of anything that would stress me out financially.
What a burden to be lifted.
After the year I had last year with the surgeries and 10 weeks of missed work, not knowing if they would take our house, the threats to repo my car, the bill collectors calling on a daily basis to harass and irritate me even though they knew I had 2 major surgeries---I am well aware of how bad it can get and how fast it can get bad.
We aren't rich, but we are truly blessed. I use to believe that if I prayed to God he would make money appear from somewhere out of the blue to pay my bills. I TRULY believed this would happen. I was so brainwashed by the church I went to at the time, I felt that God would deliver. Ugh~~~
I am now proud to say that I believe God gives us all a life to live as we so choose, we make our own happiness, or we make our own hell. Every choice you make leads to a consequence. At age 35, if I've learned nothing else, it is this.
I know I am far from perfect, I make mistakes every day, and I have done things I shouldn't have done, and I just hope for the best in all of it.
Everything I do---I do it for the good of my family. My family is my #1 priority in life.
My daughter is due to have her first child September 9, 2010. She will be 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow, we found out she was pregnant about a month ago and it seems that month has just flown by, her tummy is pooching on out there---and I'm missing every moment of it.
Life just goes by way too fast. I am ready to slow down a little, but not sure that is going to happen.
I'm trying to get a part time job as a census worker. I took the test last night and plan to go back next week to retake it and try to get a higher score than the 90 I made last night. Studying is on my agenda for the weekend.
I went to the dr Monday for a follow up from my hysterectomy and he thinks I am having colon spasms, so I went on a new drug for that. Then today I saw the neurologist about the migraines I've been having since the surgery, who put me on a barbituate for the headaches and ordered an MRI on my brain on Monday. I will follow up with both dr's in March. The children all have dental appointments in March, Sarah has her monthly orthodontist appointment for her braces, and Jacob will see his ADHD dr as well. And let's not forget the court date on March 8th for child support hearing because 'daddy' has paid a whopping $1283 in 2.5 years for FOUR children---and hasn't made a payment in 4 months. He's spent 2 months in jail last year for non-compliance on the court order. I don't know what will happen but I do know this:
1. He owns a house and land.
2. He hasn't lived in said house in 1.5 years.
3. He works for 'cash' only, doesn't have a 'real' job.
4. He lives with his mommy.
5. My children deserve to be supported by both parents.
6. $47 a week is NOT a lot to ask for four children!
7. I WANT MY MONEY.
8. He owes a back pay amount of $2500.
9. I WANT MY MONEY.
10. I HOPE HE ROTS IN JAIL.
Seriously, I could care less about the jail thing, just get a freaking job and stop being an asshole and support your children!
Not that I can't do it without that whopping $47 a week, it's just the principle ya know?
Last week the neighbor's grandson who is a minor shot my dog with his bee bee gun, had to call the cops AGAIN and take Toby to the vet, he is ok, but it cost me $88. When I find time I am filing a civil suit against these fuckers and suing them for the vet bill. My dog was not on their property and did not do any damage to anything. He is a whole 7 lbs of viciousness, and they are super 'scared' of him...what-the-fuck-ever.
I think that pretty much sums up everything going on in my life recently. I am pretty tired, think I'll hit the sack.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Finding happiness is hell
I thought about starting blogging again, but really can't think of anything to write about right now. Hmm.
My life is pretty boring.
I guess on a positive note I can say how blessed I am. I have all of my bills caught up from when I was out of work and had 2 surgeries this past fall. I only owe on my car/house and normal household bills now. My credit report is looking better every day.
Finally I feel like a lot of weights have been lifted from me, I am doing so much better than when I was with my ex. My life has turned around completely since I got away from him and his abuse. I can't believe how long I endured living with that creep.
I own my own double wide now. I am 13 payments away from having my car paid off. I just bought a new dell all in 1 and a net book, I finally have DSL and cable TV @ home again. That has made me very happy.
My ex amuses me, he told me to my face this past Saturday "you can't manage money, you will never have anything". He told me years ago "you will never have anything or amount to anything if you leave me".
Uh..I have been a SUPERVISOR for 3+ years, I have got my priorities straight, I have got my finances in better shape than ever...it took me leaving him with NOTHING and building my life from the bottom back up. It took me losing custody of my children to him---and learning what it meant to FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN and stand my ground. It took lots of court dates and trial and error, but I made it. I am here.
He owns a house he can't even keep electricity on in. He hasn't lived in it in over a year. It is piled full of junk, go figure...and he has lived with his mom for the past 1+ years, she is in the process of buying a double wide to accommodate him and the kids when they go for their 'supervised' visits with him. He has 2 vehicles, which are both apparently so broken that he cannot afford to fix them, so he has to drive his dad's truck. He has no job, he won't get a real job...and he never pays his child support.
I don't like talking about him, the past, or all the hell he put me through, I try to keep it out of my thoughts, because there is so much hurt and anger still inside me and I still have a hard time sometimes keeping my distance from him.
Sadly--I loved him...and sometimes I see that glimpse of the man I loved and it is really hard to not fall for his bullshit. I have to work at it every day, I try to avoid him as much as possible, and I long for the day when my children are all grown and I never have to deal with him again. I don't want them to grow up too fast, I enjoy every second of them being little.
I am happy where I am now in my life. Wish I didn't have to work full time, would rather be a sahm, or work from home, that would make my life fantastic!
Now that I have DSL I am going to work at making working from home a reality. I may not ever reach that dream, but I plan to try.
Well, I said I didn't have much to write about, and here it is...so I am going to end this now.
I'm pretty sure nobody is reading it anyways...
My life is pretty boring.
I guess on a positive note I can say how blessed I am. I have all of my bills caught up from when I was out of work and had 2 surgeries this past fall. I only owe on my car/house and normal household bills now. My credit report is looking better every day.
Finally I feel like a lot of weights have been lifted from me, I am doing so much better than when I was with my ex. My life has turned around completely since I got away from him and his abuse. I can't believe how long I endured living with that creep.
I own my own double wide now. I am 13 payments away from having my car paid off. I just bought a new dell all in 1 and a net book, I finally have DSL and cable TV @ home again. That has made me very happy.
My ex amuses me, he told me to my face this past Saturday "you can't manage money, you will never have anything". He told me years ago "you will never have anything or amount to anything if you leave me".
Uh..I have been a SUPERVISOR for 3+ years, I have got my priorities straight, I have got my finances in better shape than ever...it took me leaving him with NOTHING and building my life from the bottom back up. It took me losing custody of my children to him---and learning what it meant to FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN and stand my ground. It took lots of court dates and trial and error, but I made it. I am here.
He owns a house he can't even keep electricity on in. He hasn't lived in it in over a year. It is piled full of junk, go figure...and he has lived with his mom for the past 1+ years, she is in the process of buying a double wide to accommodate him and the kids when they go for their 'supervised' visits with him. He has 2 vehicles, which are both apparently so broken that he cannot afford to fix them, so he has to drive his dad's truck. He has no job, he won't get a real job...and he never pays his child support.
I don't like talking about him, the past, or all the hell he put me through, I try to keep it out of my thoughts, because there is so much hurt and anger still inside me and I still have a hard time sometimes keeping my distance from him.
Sadly--I loved him...and sometimes I see that glimpse of the man I loved and it is really hard to not fall for his bullshit. I have to work at it every day, I try to avoid him as much as possible, and I long for the day when my children are all grown and I never have to deal with him again. I don't want them to grow up too fast, I enjoy every second of them being little.
I am happy where I am now in my life. Wish I didn't have to work full time, would rather be a sahm, or work from home, that would make my life fantastic!
Now that I have DSL I am going to work at making working from home a reality. I may not ever reach that dream, but I plan to try.
Well, I said I didn't have much to write about, and here it is...so I am going to end this now.
I'm pretty sure nobody is reading it anyways...
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